7 techniques to help you handle conflict at work
Leaders need to be able to navigate conflict in a productive way and see conflict with a growth mindset.
Unfortunately, a lot of us are never taught these soft skills of how to handle difficult conversations when emotions may be high. This requires emotional intelligence in order to be able to regulate your own emotions and understand the emotions of the other people involved.
The four areas of emotional intelligence are each important and factor into difficult conversations.
Self-awareness: identifying your own triggers and patterns when triggered, especially when emotions are high.
Self management: choosing and practicing new behaviors or patterns when you're triggered.
Social awareness: understanding and holding space for other people's emotions or reactions when triggered.
Social management: navigating these social situations to be solution-oriented.
Without emotional intelligence, when someone is triggered emotionally during conflict, they typically end up: saying something they'll regret, shutting down, yelling, crying, deflecting, or a combination of these.
Instead, we want to be able to have a productive conversation that allows all parties to be heard, respected, and to find closure by the end of the conversation. Then there will be less grudges amongst team members and we can build more trust with one another.
1.Find the best time to approach the conflict
This requires both your self-awareness and social awareness to decipher when the most appropriate time is to handle the conflict.
First, check in with yourself to see if you can emotionally handle the conversation right now. If it's something you feel really heated about, you may need to go for a walk first or sleep on it so you can be as level headed as possible for the conversation.
Then, consider the other people involved. If it's something that happened in a group setting, you need to consider if it's best to handle it in front of the rest of the group or privately with one other person. There are times when an individual may not realize the impact they're having and it can be better to address it privately. There are other times when someone says something unacceptable and it needs to be shut down immediately in front of the rest of the group so everyone knows it is not tolerated.
2. De-escalate the tension in the room
This will require your self management to be able to navigate your own reactions in the moment and also social management to help manage the reactions of the others involved.
The first step here is to stay as calm and collected as possible. I find it most helpful to be very mindful to take deep breaths before and during the conversation.
Don't match the other person's volume or energy if they're yelling or extra heated. When you talk slowly, it can help bring their energy back down too.
Consider moving to a quiet, private place to handle the conflict so it's not distracting other teammates.
3. Be mindful of your body language
Our body language is automatic for most of us so we don't typically think about, but we need to use our self management skills to be intentional with what our body is saying while navigating conflict.
We need to avoid things like crossing our arms (defensive), rolling our eyes (dismissive), looking away or up when talking (disconnected), jumping in/cutting them off (disrespectful). Even if we don't mean anything negative from these body cues, when someone else is triggered during conflict it can easily be interpreted negatively.
We need to take ownership over what our body may be saying to the other person.
Instead, try mirroring their body language (builds trust), leaning in closer to them (builds connection), and maintaining strong eye contact (shows you're focused solely on them).
4. Use language that doesn't blame or escalate
This is a key piece of social management, we want to be able to navigate a productive conversation with the other person without further provoking conflict or triggering them.
My biggest tip here is start with 'I' vs 'you' when you're explaining what happened. This allows you take ownership over your feelings and you're not pointing the blame at the other person.
For example, instead of 'You're so rude because you said I didn't know what I was doing,' you'd say 'I felt disappointed when you said I didn't know what I was doing.'
When you start statements with 'you did this' or 'you are x' the other person will immediately get defensive and potentially shut down or escalate.
5. Be an active listener during the whole conversation
This is a skill within social awareness that most people don't do.
Most people aren't deeply listening to the other person when they're talking, they're thinking about what they want to say next or planning the outcome alone in their head.
It's unfortunate because sometimes, especially during conflict, people just want to be heard. They want to share their concern, be heard and respected, even if they don't get their way. This is especially true when navigating change and there's a lot outside of our control.
One key way to actively listen during conflict includes repeating back what you're hearing to ensure you're on the same page.
It can also be really helpful to validate their feelings. You can do this by saying something like "I totally understand that you feel [what they said they feel]." Be careful that you don't put your own words in their mouth for feelings - without asking if that's true or if that resonates. If they haven't named their emotion yet you could say something like "It sounds like you're hurt by the way I handled the situation, is that true?"
6. Find the unmet need if it hasn't been said
This is how you can transition from social awareness to social management so that you can have a productive conversation.
Behind every conflict, is typically an unmet need.
Sometimes these can be obvious, but they still aren't addressed. For example, 'you said my idea was stupid' - the unmet need is being respected during meetings.
Sometimes they're less obvious. For example, a team member shutting down during a meeting and not sharing their ideas or questions after they had just been open the first half of the meeting.
We need to understand the unmet need in order to find a solution (in the next technique). A lot of times people skip this step because it's uncomfortable or we simply make an assumption about what the need is.
In order to get to the root of the need, ask a lot of open ended questions. Don't assume you know their intent, their exact emotion, and don't put words in their mouth. Let them find the words to say what needs to be said.
Some questions to help you:
from your perspective, what happened that shouldn't have?
what was missing from this situation?
what's getting in your way?
what hasn't been said that still needs to be said?
7. Always strive to be solution-oriented
This is they key of social management. In order to effectively move through and navigate a conflict, we need to find some sort of solution together.
The main point I like to keep in mind here is that we need to continually move forward, not backwards. During conflict, a lot of people get stuck in hashing out the past, pointing fingers, trying to find blame for the conflict and end up talking in circles. Most of the time, that doesn't matter anymore. We're here now and we need to find a way to move past what happened.
When you're creating a solution for a conflict, remember that everyone involved needs to be able to commit to it. It may not be everyone's first choice of a solution, but we need to be able to accept it and commit to the decision. You can read more about commitment vs. consensus on this previous blog post about conflict.
Remember too that some people may be unwilling or not ready to come to a solution. They may still be too emotionally charged and triggered to see past the conflict. If that's the case you'll need to regroup when they are willing and ready. Set a deadline for yourself to regroup so that it doesn't get forgotten or avoided.
Your organization’s success depends on the growth of its leaders. With Hello Velocity's Leadership Training, your team will gain the tools to lead effectively, inspire confidence, and create lasting impact.
Brittany Canaski is a highly-rated Leadership Coach, Trainer, and Founder of Hello Velocity where she builds confident leaders and high-performing teams. When she's not building her business, you can find her planning her next travel adventure with her husband, watching Formula 1 racing, or volunteering in her local community of Charlotte, NC.
